Delectable Discernments

It has been a landmark week for me!

Every now and again it happens, when you look up, take notice and realize something has changed.  It may be the alignment of the planets, a shift in cosmic consciousness, or, more simply, just a damn fine week.

No, I did not win the lottery, find my prince charming or have a great epiphany.  There were very quiet changes…some subtle discernments that I might have  missed in another place and time, but some I  have been seeking for a lifetime.

First, I noticed that I no longer define myself as a cancer patient.  Since my diagnosis on July 18 there has been a soft but discouragingly tenacious dialogue behind every activity in my day.  Let me give a few examples:  when I breathe the conversation with myself would be “Breathe deeper…you know cancer does not survive in an oxygenated environment.”;  when I eat, “You have cancer, you should not be eating that!”; when I think, “You have cancer, you must think good, peaceful & healthy thoughts…you can not afford to be stressed.”.  In case you haven’t thought about it before, breathing, eating and thinking take up alot of the day. My cancer conversation was a major voice in my day…and was constant…all day…everyday.  I would try to change the dialog to one of feeding and caring for a healthy body, but the cancer chatter was relentless and I found my thoughts difficult to control.  I am free of it!  I am just me again…attempting to do all of the things I have always set out to do…eat better, exercise more and stay grounded and connected. Just me caring for me.

Secondly, I am enjoying winter!  For those who know me well, it is common knowledge that I will do almost anything to find a warm spot, preferably a beautiful beach, to avoid winter.  It was a habit started while married to Emerson and living the retiree’s lifestyle.  We both had a strong preference for warm.  This new fondness for cold caught me totally off guard. I had not even attempted to embrace, but to merely survive the frigidity of northern Michigan in January;  it would be too absurd to even suggest it.  I am finding great comfort in the serenity that only the quiet insulation of multiple feet of snow can provide.  It is white, calm and peaceful.  I would never take time from the treasured outdoor days of summer for a long soak bath with a great novel, a movie everyday,  sewing, knitting, leisurely browsing on the Internet and reorganizing closets, files and storage.   I have found great pleasure in “hunkering down” and doing “inside tasks”.  The days are now getting lighter and longer and I am feeling some urgency to complete all of my projects before I am called to the incomparable beauty and grandeur of northern Michigan in summer.

The third thing I have noticed…and the most sought after of all…is that I have found my voice.  No, I have not been mute my entire life, exactly.  I have just never really been free to speak up for me.  I could be very vocal in speaking up for others.  Most of my free time as an adult has been dedicated to making the world a better place for others.  I have enjoyed volunteer work on issues concerning peace and justice, children’s rights, hunger, housing and poverty.  Speaking up for my own children was never an issue, but speaking up for me was always a challenge, on many levels.  Even being clear on what I would speak to was difficult…I had done what “I ought to” for so long, I had no idea what “I want to” would look like.  At some point in the last few months, there was a shift. My voice has shown up…and I feel clear on who I am and what I want for the first time I ever remember.  It is as though I have finally given validity to me and I am so curious and excited to see what shows up from that place of possibilty.  All I know today is that  I feel like jumping on the rooftop and yelling “Free at last, free at last…thank God Almighty, I am free at last!”